Saying Goodbye
by Hannibal3125
Summary: What was the time between Shepard's getting spaced and his return like for Ash?
1. Not Fair

A/N: We've all seen Shepard in the prologue as he gets bolted back together; this story is to look at what Ash, her family, and his mom, went through in that time. This is a prequel to my fanfic _Give It Wings_. As mentioned in that, "Jack" is Jack Shepard (Paragon/Spacer/War Hero/Soldier). This might be followed by one more story in the same arc.

Disclaimer: Don't own it, or I wouldn't be publishing here, I'd be releasing this as DLC…

Saying Goodbye

Ch 1 – Not Fair

Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, formerly of the SSV Normandy, awoke with a start. She'd been dozing and had seen one of Jack's old vid compilations from back in the 20th in her dream. She snickered as she thought about the old show's relation to her current situation. _I can see it now – Jack Shepard is…the Six-Billion Credit Man._ She stood, looked herself over in the small room's mirror and straightened her dress uniform. A tear escaped and dripped onto the floor next to her foot as she continued to review her present circumstances..

It wasn't fair. While she wasn't naïve enough to think that this day would never come, she'd hoped that it wouldn't come for a while.

She was burying her beloved.

She thought back to her father's funeral. At least her mother had had his body to kiss goodbye. Ash didn't even have that. There would be no casket lowered into the ground today. Jack's body was somewhere in the system the Normandy had been blown to bits in, maybe even on the planet they'd been near at the time of the attack.

She stood and checked herself once more in the mirror, straightening medals and lining up her uniform. She'd be immaculate for this. She could do that much.

A soft knock on the door to her room announced a visitor. She sighed, wishing whoever it was would just leave her alone. Still, propriety demanded she acknowledge them. "Enter."

She turned to the door just as Hannah Shepard entered, dressed in her own uniform, complete with brand new captain's rank insignia. The auburn hair and the shape of her face were enough like Jack to instantly verify her identity…enough so that Ash couldn't hold back the tears.

The older woman was immediately in front of her, holding her but saying nothing.

A minute passed before Ash regained her composure. "Thank you, ma'am. I'm really sorry to just break down like this; it's not normal for me to do so-"

Before she could continue, Hannah gently smiled and held a hand up. "Don't worry, Chief. I've been there, too. I had to bury my husband seven years ago."

Ash's eyes bulged. She opened her mouth to deny it, then took note of Hannah's expression. Yes, that was the same expression her own mother had when she knew she had Ash dead to rights on something.

Ash slumped into a chair. "How'd you know?"

Jack's mother snickered. "I'm a mother; I know everything. And then there's the fact that he wanted me to meet you. He's had a few girlfriends through the years, but you're the first he ever talked about introducing to me."

The chief felt honored at this revelation. Then she scowled. "When we got your message about getting promoted, Jack was really excited. He couldn't wait to bring me to the ceremony, he said."

"He wanted to share the special moment with you. Our family is oriented around the service, so this is as big as it gets for us. He wanted you to be a part of that."

Ash nodded silently before a small alarm went off. She activated her omni-tool to mute it, then looked back at her guest. "I guess we'd better get out there. They'll all be waiting."

Hannah smirked. "They can keep waiting." Her face took a more concerned expression. "Ash, are you sure you're okay?"

Williams bravely smiled in response. "I'll make it through the service." The answer apparently wasn't satisfactory, so she continued, "I'll be fine. I owe him that much."

She opened the door and stepped aside. "After you, _Captain_."

Hannah chuckled as she stepped out into the hallway. "You really are a brat in more than one sense of the word, Williams."


	2. Press of the Crowd

A/N: For those who like to imagine or listen to a soundtrack when reading, the memorial service fits with John Williams' _Hymn to the Fallen_ from _Saving Private Ryan_. I also do not own _When You Say Nothing at All_ by Allison Krauss.

The sunlight was bright and entirely too cheerful for the somberness of the occasion, Ashley decided as they stepped out onto the streets of Elysium. She briefly shielded her eyes before falling into step with Hannah, slightly back and to her right, as they joined the mass of people heading toward City Central Plaza.

The crowd was thick enough to slow their progress a bit, but not so much so that they were in danger of walking over anyone else. Still, the conditions conspired to remind Ash of the last time she'd been in circumstances like these…

It was a week before the Normandy's final assignment. Damage from the battle against Sovereign had limited the number of available routes through the Wards. This condition was further complicated by the fact that the Citadel was under a functional martial law, with Alliance marines fulfilling many of the duties normally performed by C-Sec officers.

Yet, all of this would have been completely irrelevant if Jack Shepard hadn't received a message about his mother being promoted. And so, once their duty shifts ended, Jack and Ash bravely ventured out in search of a gift suitable to the occasion.

Now, after three hours, most of which was spent in transit, they had found a merchant selling what they were looking for. And Ash was getting tired, hungry, and impatient. She'd helped Jack select some art-like object he was convinced his mom would like and had offered her opinion on a few details to help him out; now he and the merchant were haggling over the price. For her part, Ash simply stood back and looked around the small marketplace.

At the music stall next to Ash, an asari fiddled with her terminal. Moments later, the elcor religious chant that had been playing abruptly ceased, to be replaced with a human tune from the late twentieth. Ash half-listened to the song, until the chorus grabbed her attention.

_The smile on your face lets me know that you need me;_

_There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me;_

_The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall;_

_You say it best when you say nothing at all._

Ash was considering stepping over to the asari to get a copy of the song when Jack turned from the merchant with a smile on his face and his purchase in hand. She abandoned her plan and stepped over to him as they prepared to re-enter the teeming masses to return to the Normandy.

This time, the crowd seemed even more close and pushy. Ash was certain she'd be knocked over when she suddenly felt a hand press gently against her back in a particular direction. She glanced over to see a still-smiling Jack directing her through the crowd with one hand and clearing a path with the other. He glanced back, and the butterflies Ash felt started singing that song she'd just heard back in the market.

_The smile on your face lets me know that you need me…_

She could see in his expression the appreciation he felt at her being with him…

_There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me…_

His eyes shone with happiness and with a clear resolution to be there for her, no matter what…

_The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall…_

She could still feel the steady pressure against her back as he guided her through the crowd to the nearest rapid transit terminal and entered a taxi to reach the docking area.

He smiled once more at her and took the controls of the car without a word. And yet, to Ash, it was as though he'd hacked the Citadel comm systems and announced to the galaxy, at the top of his lungs, his feelings for her.

_You say it best when you say nothing at all…_

Ash was abruptly pulled back to the present by their arrival at the massive open park that was City Central Plaza. Alliance Marines controlled the flow of the crowd, directing the mourners to seating while steering most of them away from certain reserved areas.

Hannah stepped up to one and presented her ID. The marine inspected both hers and Ash's, saluted, and called for an escort to take them to the special seating reserved for them. They stopped at seats near the stage and the empty casket, a short way in front of the regular seating. Already seated was newly sworn-in Councilor David Anderson, who simply nodded to them.

Ash turned and spotted several crew members from the Normandy, who also nodded respectfully to her. Joker was seated in a wheelchair at the end of one such row, and for the first time that Ash could recall, was both silent and wearing a serious expression. Ash knew this was particularly hard for him; she had, of course, heard his story of how he'd taken too long to come with Shepard and so was the reason they were here. Ash recognized it as a form of survivor's guilt and was certain things hadn't been so dramatic as Moreau had painted them.

Someone stood at the lectern to call attention to the proceedings, and everyone took their seats. A politician rose to take position behind the lectern next, and Hannah looked to Ash with an annoyed expression the chief knew was written across her own face. The politician, ignorant of the disdain in which the honored guests held him, began to remind the mourners of the Blitz on Elysium, describing in detail the actions of a then-unremarkable lieutenant that had turned the tide, and in fact, had saved the colony.

Then he came to the point of his lecture. "In light of the tremendous service of Jonathan Shepard, this colony still stands. As such, it would be unjust, even criminal, of us to not honor his passing. And so, with the approval of the city council and the Colony Governance Board of Elysium, I herby rename this site, previously known as City Central Plaza, to be henceforth known as Shepard Memorial Plaza."

A chorus of applause rang out as he reached the final point. Ash clapped out of duty, but knew that such a gesture would have meant little to the man it was intended to honor.

Admiral Hackett rose next, saying a few words about Jack's recent actions, including the Battle of the Citadel, the recommendation to save the Destiny Ascension, and the inclusion of the Alliance on the Citadel Council. He then turned the service over to a Marine chaplain, who waxed eloquent on the usual funeral platitudes.

Finally, Ash noticed six officers stand at the end of her row. She recognized them as a group Shepard had once referred to as the Gang of Seven, the friends and teammates he'd met during N7 training…his closest friends in the galaxy. Silently, they stepped forward to the casket.

"Friends, we are gathered to honor and mourn the passing of one of our own, a Marine without equal," the chaplain droned on. "His fight has ended, but THE fight continues on. Commander Shepard would not want us to stop fighting merely because of his death; he would have us step up and fight on to ensure that the injustices and wrongs of the galaxy would be righted as he did in this life. And so, let the Systems Alliance Marine Corps he so proudly served honor him."

Ash noted the nonstandard service as she watched the detail commander, Lt. Cmdr. Tom Steele, step over to the casket with three others. They reverently lifted both the Alliance flag and that of the Citadel, efficiently folding them in the time-honored ways flags had been folded for centuries. The commander and one of the officers stepped over to Hannah and Ash.

The commander spoke. "Captain Shepard, we stand by you in this time of loss. And though we cannot return to you your son, please accept these tokens from a proud Corps and a proud government. "

One of the officers on flag duty had moved to the other three, who now held rifles. He turned to them and bellowed, "Company, PRESENT ARMS!"

The three armed officers snapped to attention, then raised their weapons toward the sky.

A second-long pause, then "FIRE!"

Six times further, the same scene repeated. Seven times, the three guns fired, each time sounding as though another nail was being hammered into that casket…

Ash barely registered the notes of _Amazing Grace_ as the melody wailed through the air. She only dimly noticed Hannah's attempts to remain stoic and unemotional, and the few tears that escaped. The numbness that had consumed her in her entirety at the destruction of the Normandy had returned now, both insulating her from the events around her and trapping her alone with her grief.

He was gone.


	3. Differences between Surviving and Living

A/N: This is probably the darkest chapter in the story. Those prone to depression or such may wish to skip this chapter.

Rainclouds had formed over the proceedings, but never did pour out their contents that day. Ash barely registered the playing of Taps as the funeral ended.

_He's gone._

Someone tapped her, finally summoning her back from her reverie. Lieutenant Espinosa, one of the officers in the highly irregular honor guard, waved his hand in front of her eyes. She blinked and snapped to attention. He grinned and saluted back before telling her to stand down.

"Relax, Chief. I just wanted to meet the lady that got my buddy's attention."

She was surprised at the statement. "Sir?"

"Lose the rank. I'm Miguel." He extended his hand. When Ash finally tentatively, shook it, he continued. "Jack's been loading his messages more and more with talk of you. So, naturally, we're all a bit curious about you."

Ash felt her cheeks warm as he spoke. Suddenly, someone called, "Miguel?"

Espinosa turned to respond, "Over here, Hon."

He faced Ash again. "Hey, Jack should have been the one to tell you this, but…well, you know. Anyway, you were with him, right?"

Ash tensed a little. "You mean, when he died?"

Miguel shook his head. "No, I mean '_with'_ him. Please don't make me spell it out, Chief."

Ash's surprise and anxiety must have been clear on her face, because he added, "Don't worry; no one's going to report you. At least, none of us will."

After a moment's hesitation, she nodded mutely.

Miguel smiled. "Thought so. So, you're one of us now."

A young lady stepped up and nudged up to Espinosa. "Hey, Dear; who's your friend?"

Miguel put his arm around the woman. "Ash, Denise Espinosa. Denise, this is Chief Ashley Williams, th-"

"The lady Jack fell for." Denise smirked.

Ash blushed again. _What is with me today? I never blush like this!_

Denise opened her mouth to speak again, but was stopped by a crash behind them. Ash turned and saw two young children playing tag near a fallen chair. Denise headed over to them. "Look, kids, we're leaving in a few minutes. You can sit still that long, can't you?"

Ash and Miguel watched as Denise corralled the kids. Ash returned to the conversation, but Miguel stared at his family.

She was about to excuse herself when he spoke again. "You know, we used to tease Jack about being the last bachelor in the group. When we started hearing about you, we actually started a betting pool on when he'd pop the question."

Espinosa turned toward her then. "I meant what I said – you're one of us now. If there's anything you need – _any_thing – just call any of us. Anytime. We'll do whatever it takes…"

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

A warm breeze moving through the tall grass startled Ash back to the present. The rainclouds overhead must have pulled her into the past again. She sat up and looked again at the datapad next to her, before tapping a button. Its extranet link reinitialized, and the software downloaded a couple new messages. She glanced at the inbox. There was the old message about the board of inquiry deciding that the Normandy's destruction was entirely unpreventable. Another reminded her that her interview with the Alliance shrink had gone well and she could return to active duty after her mandatory leave on Amaterasu ended in a couple of days. One informed her that she'd been promoted to Operations Chief and, upon returning to active duty, she'd have an official ceremony for it. Well, that was nice to know; she was on the cusp of getting a commission and becoming an officer.

One of the new messages informed her of her new duty assignment. Even better – it was another shipboard assignment; that was also nice to know. The last message was from Joker. The poor pilot had been formally grounded since the incident, and Ash felt for him. His message was intriguing, however. He was rather vague, but hinted that some private group was going to hire him and let him fly again.

That last message illustrated a curiosity that Ash had long noticed. Engineer Adams was the ranking survivor of the Normandy, but it was Ash to whom the crew turned as the unofficial leader of the survivors. No one ever stated why, but it was pretty clear that the reason had to do with her close tie to Shepard…

Which drove home the point of her presence out here.

_He's gone._

She looked to her side again. Not at the datapad, but at her service pistol lying next to it. She took the pistol, and began looking it over. The grip was familiar to her; Shepard had given this to her when she'd lost her old one on Therum.

She held the gun up, thought for a second, steeled herself, and placed the muzzle flush against her temple.

_He's gone. And soon, I'll be with him again._

She closed her eyes and tensed in readiness. Thoughts and memories began to flash through her mind, mostly focusing on Jack Shepard.

Her finger began to squeeze.

Suddenly, a memory of X57 arose. Balak had escaped. As the team had reboarded the Mako, she had asked Jack why he'd let the batarian terrorist go.

"_We know his face and name. We'll get him eventually. But, he's not worth their lives. A life is a pretty high-ticket item. Shouldn't be given up too casually."_

Her finger froze.

Another memory – this one of the debriefing after Virmire, just before Udina had backstabbed them. His cautioning her not to throw away her life.

Now, her hand was quivering. She couldn't keep the gun still. After a moment's time, she dropped it.

_You survived the destruction of the Normandy. There must have been a reason. It would be a real shame for you to blow your brains out now before you found out what the reason is._

And that thought, "spoken" in her mind in Jack's voice, hit on the heart of the matter.

He hadn't survived. She _had_ survived. But she wasn't living. Her life had ended over some icy rock in the Terminus Systems. The body continued to function, but what was inside was dead.

Ash resolved that she would not kill herself. Her body would continue to serve the Alliance until some enemy ended her existence.

But unless someone could bring back Jack Shepard, her heart would be dead, as frozen as that planet at which the mystery ship had caught them.

The rainclouds never did pour out their contents that day.


	4. The Ice Queen

Chapter 4: The Ice Queen

Date: 2185

Location: Czarnobog Fleet Depot

"Corporal! Explain this disaster you call a squad!" The garrison's new ranking NCO bellowed at the top of her lungs.

Corporal Henters knew there would be no answer that could possibly satisfy Ops Chief Williams. His men had sneaked out last night for a quick drink to celebrate a winning streak in the field practice maneuvers. One drink had become several, and had led to a bar fight that the young corporal was pretty sure had to do with someone's cat…

In keeping with their misfortunes, Ashley Williams had decided to pull a surprise inspection. With so many training squads stationed here, it should have been little surprise… Still, the Ice Queen stood awaiting his answer so she could rip it, and him, apart; and he had a headache that felt like a dreadnought had been parked on it.

Ash knew what the trainees had done the previous night, but this corporal had to learn to own his actions, right or wrong. It was one of the things that Sh-… that had been emphasized on the Normandy. She was drawing a breath to reprimand the squad when Henters stammered out the truth. She thought for a moment, then gave the sentence. "Thank you, Corporal. You and your squad are restricted to quarters when not on duty for the next two days, beginning immediately. Dismissed!"

As the training squad marched back to their quarters, Ash could hear one of the privates muttering, "Even when she's being lenient, she's the Ice Queen! You see her face? It might as well been made of stone!"

Another leaned over and replied, "Hey, retard, she didn't have to be nice!" Anything else spoken was lost in the increasing distance.

It was all right, in Ash's mind. She knew that they called her the Ice Queen – and other less polite names – when they thought she couldn't hear them or wasn't listening. It didn't matter; after all, it was still better than reputation her family name had carried. And that rep was gone, thanks to-

Her mind locked up again at the thought of the man she'd loved. She forced her mind past the name and recalled the shipboard assignments she'd received since then. Nothing really prestigious, but not exile to bureaucratic purgatory, either.

Someone nearby cleared his throat, snapping her back to reality. A private stood nervously, clutching a datapad in both hands like a shield. He snapped to attention and offered the datapad. "New orders communiqué, Ma'am. Eye-only traffic from the Citadel."

_New orders already? It's only been a month._ She started to read, already preparing to ask for more info before her eyes on the sender – D. Anderson, Councilor. The message that followed was only semi-formal and quite direct, a manner she'd come to expect from the Alliance's representative on the Council.

Chief –

You are ordered to report to my office on the Citadel as soon as you can get here. I've got official paperwork coming to you, probably by the time you get this message. You've been chopped to me for a special assignment; I'll brief you in person.

David Anderson  
Alliance Councilor  
Citadel Council

There was another document on the datapad; she opened it to find the promised orders from Arcturus Station.

So, that was that; time to pack.

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

One week later

Location: the Citadel

A tired Ashley Williams stepped off the courier transport to find an aide waiting for her. As she led the soldier through the lines and the levels with speed and skill, Ash marveled at the efficiency the Council could muster when motivated.

Minutes later, they arrived at an office in part of the Presidium with which Ash was unfamiliar. The aide gestured to the door before walking away to whatever task awaited her next. Ash took a deep breath to shake the sudden feeling of foreboding in her guts, then entered.

Anderson was sitting at his desk, cradling his head as though trying to contain a migraine. Ash wondered if Udina had just left. The former Alliance captain glanced up, noticed her, and stood. "Glad you could get here so quickly, Chief. I'll get right to the point; but you'd better sit down first."

Ash did so, and Anderson began. " You may have heard rumors that some of our colonies out in the Terminus Systems have gone dark. Fact is, everyone – every man, women, and child – is completely gone. Missing. There are no apparent clues to who or what did it. The last time, our ships detected a couple of ships in the system. The transponder code from one matched a ship entry in a database you Commander Shepard found…on Nepheron."

Ash hissed. "You mean it was Cerberus."

"We don't know for certain, but it seems possible. However, there are reports from STG that they've been trying find information on the colonies themselves."

The operations chief snorted. "Probably just trying to make themselves look good and innocent."

The Councilor scowled. "Well, whatever they're doing, there isn't enough proof for either the Alliance or the Council to assign blame, even unofficially. The situation is dire enough, however, that we can make the opening we need. Officially, the Alliance is starting an outreach program to colonies that match what we believe to be the target profile. You'll be leading a team accompanying a full set of planetary GARDIAN anti-ship turrets to these worlds for installation at their largest population center. Most of those colonies are single-site operations anyway."

Ash nodded. Arming the colonies like this made sense, and it explained the apparent secrecy involved – no one wanted the enemy to know they would be getting a kick in the teeth upon arrival.

Anderson continued, "Unofficially, you'll be keeping your eyes and ears open for evidence of what's going on. Particularly in regard to one specific issue."

He paused, an unpleasant look on his face. "There's really no good way to deal with this. A couple of operatives were tasked with identifying the primary Cerberus agent in all this. Every report on the issue gave the same name…

"Commander Jonathan T. Shepard."

Over one and a half years' worth of repressed emotions threatened to boil over as Ash found her world toppling on its side. She was so busy trying to contain her meltdown that she almost missed the former officer speaking further.

"Obviously, you in particular are better suited than most operatives to verify this."

Dread and apprehension blossomed in her gut.

He continued, "As a former member of his squad, there's also a slight chance that the colonists will accord you some more respect."

Ash relaxed as the Councilor spoke further. "But never mind that. Your first stop is Horizon, a small colony…"


	5. Beyond Horizon

Chapter 5: Beyond Horizon

Ash stepped onto the small ship assigned to her team and dropped heavily into a seat. The rating designated as pilot verified her orders and called the remaining team members to check in and return to the ship.

_He's alive._

The thought of Shepard's presence her on Horizon was bittersweet. Seeing him again was wonderful of course. But the Cerberus insignia and personnel confirmed the reports; and had made her see only red.

She boiled up with rage at the betrayal. How could he work with them, after all the missions she'd assisted him on to take them down? And then to act all hurt and defensive? Of all the nerve!

A quiet little corner of her mind pointed out that Jack wouldn't work with them if the situation weren't as bad as he'd claimed. And it was normal for someone to act hurt and defensive when they were attacked and accused.

After a few minutes, the only part of the whole mess that she couldn't resolve was his lack of effort to contact her. He'd implied that he was invested in them for the long haul. And everything she'd seen and heard when the Normandy – the old Normandy, apparently – had suggested he was dead. Why wouldn't he have found some way to let her know he was really all right?

Unless…_he was telling the truth about being on a medical slab for most of the last two years._

Pity began to swell within her, only to be stamped down by her rage as it bellowed back that he'd been active again for a while now. Why no contact?

Still…her heart demanded she reach out to him once more. She realized now, after her tirade and dismissal of him, that she still wanted – no, needed – Jack Shepard. She grabbed a datapad and prepared to write a message to him.

_Now…what to say…_She mulled over several approaches, rejecting each in turn. Finally, she gave up thinking about it.

After two years, it was time for her heart to speak again.

She began to write, stopping periodically to review what she'd written and make corrections. The team members began to file in and get settled for the trip back to the Citadel, but she barely noticed their presence. A rumble through the cabin told her that the ship was lifting off, but it only just registered.

Finally, it was finished, with wording she was comfortable with. She hesitated for a brief moment, then smashed the send button before she could second-guess herself.

For better or worse, she'd reached out to him. And this time, she did not want to say goodbye.

A/N: Finally, after over a year since its beginning, this story is done. I originally intended it as a prequel to my other story, Give It Wings, but ME3 has quite likely rendered that AU. This works just fine without it, though. I hope you enjoyed reading this story. If you did, please leave a review. Thank you.


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